1. The life and soul of the Tube carriage

Of course it’s very pleasant to listen to music wherever you are, but unfortunately glazing out to your own personal soundtrack means you run the risk of becoming a tragic figure to those around you. Once the music swells and you forget where you are, it’s all too easy to start foot-tapping like Disco Stu, then the head begins to bob, and before you know it you’re performing your own excruciating karaoke set on the 6.35 to Mill Hill East. Set your maximum volume level to 70 per cent, not just to preserve your valuable hearing, but to protect your even more precious dignity. It’s much harder to get lost in music and feel so alive, joining in with the swelling Icelandic harmonics of Sigur Ros in a terrifying, tuneless whistle, if you can still hear the grounding reality of some environmental sound. The risks here are very great. There are no words to describe the feelings engendered in the hearts of others when a middle-aged man in a suit starts to perform air guitar on the stairwell of a crowded double-decker bus.

2. iTunes store addiction

Noted music journalist David Hepworth memorably described a contemporary consumer victim he dubbed “the fifty quid guy”. This is the hapless fellow who walks into Borders or HMV slightly drunk on a Friday afternoon, “tie slightly undone” and buys two CDs, a DVD and a book, his flushed face making it clear that he’s going to be in big trouble at home when he has to explain his spending to his partner. The fifty quid guy existed, in those far-off, halcyon days before the credit crunch, because of a number of factors: high disposable income; ageing consumers of pop culture who have grown older but still want to buy the books, CDs and DVDs they loved in their 20s; and of course the existence of attractive digital emporiums where all manner of cultural goodies are laid out to tempt us. However, the fifty quid guy can at least take a different route home, or avert his gaze as passes Zavvi on Oxford Street. An iPod user sits in front of a computer most of the day and the tempting portals of the iTunes store, with its enormous stock of desirable songs, films, and television shows, is never more than a few clicks away. In one ill-thought-out lunchtime buying spree, he can spend a hundred quid before the fifty quid guy has even started to loosen his tie. The fact that each song purchase is quite small can be very misleading. It all adds up. Beware.

3. Theme tune swagger

Devious algorithms within the iPod itself have given the device a shuffle function blessed with almost supernatural powers, magically conjuring up songs that reflect, confound, or amuse you with their relevance to whatever you’re doing. However, these powers must be treated with respect. While your own randomly selected soundtrack may make you feel, with an incredible inner certainty, that you are in exactly the right place at the right time, others without access to your soundtrack may not share this perspective. The girl you are about to approach doesn’t know you’ve been feeling increasingly hip because you’ve been channelling Jeff Buckley. Skinheads will not give you a wide birth because you’re stomping past whilst listening to The Clash. And if the James Bond theme tune swells as you enter the lobby of an expensive hotel in black tie for your Christmas party, it can be all too easy to get carried away and pistol-whip the coat room attendant to death when he loses your silk scarf – a fault which alas most gentlemen of a certain age have committed. Remember. It’s only music. It’s not actually true.

4. Headphone cord arthritis

This is a common scenario amongst well-dressed gentlemen who prefer the simple elegance of lace-up shoes to the vulgarity of the ‘slip on’ or ‘loafer’. This is of course a wise choice in fashion terms, but poses a real and present danger to your lower vertebrae. If you’re listening to music and happen to notice that your shoe lace is flapping – beware. It’s all too easy to bend over and quickly tie the shoelace whilst humming along to Will Young’s Grace, only to miss the fact that you’ve managed to tie the trailing headphone cord to your shoe with a double-bow. Should you then stand up with all appropriate gentlemanly force, smartly standing to attention to reclaim the slight loss of dignity regrettably incurred when doing up a shoelace in public, you risk severe injury to your spinal column. The massive strain involved in the lower back can cause serious damage to the cartilage in your spinal column, and leave you bent double like Mrs Overall from Acorn Antiques. It’s wise to keep a sharp blade strapped to your calf at all times so you can quickly and gracefully cut yourself free.

5. Headphone cord castration

This is a rare but extremely high risk scenario all-too often encountered in public conveniences when busy men with iPods forget what they’re about when they’re taking care of business. It’s fine to sit down on the porcelain throne tapping your foot in relative privacy whilst reading a copy of Private Eye, but be extremely careful not to come a cropper when you stand up. Hospital casualty departments report dealing with an increasing number of cases in which hapless men stand and fasten their trousers with a ligature of trailing headphone cable trapped inside their boxer shorts. The simple laws of physics dictate that it’s all too easy for the wire to become looped around the organs of increase. If the cord is then pulled abruptly, perhaps caught in a door, or yanked sharply by the hand of an impatient child after your return home, it can cut with the savage force of a cheese wire. Severe bruising, blunt tissue damage, and even permanent infertility can result. Gentleman, you have been warned.

Do you have any iPod safety stories to share? Please pass on what you have learned in the comments below.

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Michael Parsons is Wired International Channel Manager for CondéNet International. He was the launch Editor of CNET.co.uk, and helped to launch The Industry Standard magazine

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