1. The life and soul of the Tube carriage
Of course it’s very pleasant to listen to music wherever you are, but
unfortunately glazing out to your own personal soundtrack means you run the
risk of becoming a tragic figure to those around you. Once the music swells
and you forget where you are, it’s all too easy to start foot-tapping like
Disco Stu, then the head begins to bob, and before you know it you’re
performing your own excruciating karaoke set on the 6.35 to Mill Hill East.
Set your maximum volume level to 70 per cent, not just to preserve your
valuable hearing, but to protect your even more precious dignity. It’s much
harder to get lost in music and feel so alive, joining in with the swelling
Icelandic harmonics of Sigur Ros in a terrifying, tuneless whistle, if you
can still hear the grounding reality of some environmental sound. The risks
here are very great. There are no words to describe the feelings engendered
in the hearts of others when a middle-aged man in a suit starts to perform
air guitar on the stairwell of a crowded double-decker bus.
2. iTunes store addiction
Noted music journalist David Hepworth memorably described a contemporary
consumer victim he dubbed “the fifty quid guy”. This is the hapless fellow
who walks into Borders or HMV slightly drunk on a Friday afternoon, “tie
slightly undone” and buys two CDs, a DVD and a book, his flushed face making
it clear that he’s going to be in big trouble at home when he has to explain
his spending to his partner. The fifty quid guy existed, in those far-off,
halcyon days before the credit crunch, because of a number of factors: high
disposable income; ageing consumers of pop culture who have grown older but
still want to buy the books, CDs and DVDs they loved in their 20s; and of
course the existence of attractive digital emporiums where all manner of
cultural goodies are laid out to tempt us. However, the fifty quid guy can
at least take a different route home, or avert his gaze as passes Zavvi on
Oxford Street. An iPod user sits in front of a computer most of the day and
the tempting portals of the iTunes store, with its enormous stock of
desirable songs, films, and television shows, is never more than a few
clicks away. In one ill-thought-out lunchtime buying spree, he can spend a
hundred quid before the fifty quid guy has even started to loosen his tie.
The fact that each song purchase is quite small can be very misleading. It
all adds up. Beware.
3. Theme tune swagger
Devious algorithms within the iPod itself have given the device a shuffle
function blessed with almost supernatural powers, magically conjuring up
songs that reflect, confound, or amuse you with their relevance to whatever
you’re doing. However, these powers must be treated with respect. While your
own randomly selected soundtrack may make you feel, with an incredible inner
certainty, that you are in exactly the right place at the right time, others
without access to your soundtrack may not share this perspective. The girl
you are about to approach doesn’t know you’ve been feeling increasingly hip
because you’ve been channelling Jeff Buckley. Skinheads will not give you a
wide birth because you’re stomping past whilst listening to The Clash. And
if the James Bond theme tune swells as you enter the lobby of an expensive
hotel in black tie for your Christmas party, it can be all too easy to get
carried away and pistol-whip the coat room attendant to death when he loses
your silk scarf – a fault which alas most gentlemen of a certain age have
committed. Remember. It’s only music. It’s not actually true.
4. Headphone cord arthritis
This is a common scenario amongst well-dressed gentlemen who prefer the simple
elegance of lace-up shoes to the vulgarity of the ‘slip on’ or ‘loafer’.
This is of course a wise choice in fashion terms, but poses a real and
present danger to your lower vertebrae. If you’re listening to music and
happen to notice that your shoe lace is flapping – beware. It’s all too easy
to bend over and quickly tie the shoelace whilst humming along to Will
Young’s Grace, only to miss the fact that you’ve managed to tie the trailing
headphone cord to your shoe with a double-bow. Should you then stand up with
all appropriate gentlemanly force, smartly standing to attention to reclaim
the slight loss of dignity regrettably incurred when doing up a shoelace in
public, you risk severe injury to your spinal column. The massive strain
involved in the lower back can cause serious damage to the cartilage in your
spinal column, and leave you bent double like Mrs Overall from Acorn
Antiques. It’s wise to keep a sharp blade strapped to your calf at all times
so you can quickly and gracefully cut yourself free.
5. Headphone cord castration
This is a rare but extremely high risk scenario all-too often encountered in
public conveniences when busy men with iPods forget what they’re about when
they’re taking care of business. It’s fine to sit down on the porcelain
throne tapping your foot in relative privacy whilst reading a copy of Private
Eye, but be extremely careful not to come a cropper when you stand up.
Hospital casualty departments report dealing with an increasing number of
cases in which hapless men stand and fasten their trousers with a ligature
of trailing headphone cable trapped inside their boxer shorts. The simple
laws of physics dictate that it’s all too easy for the wire to become looped
around the organs of increase. If the cord is then pulled abruptly, perhaps
caught in a door, or yanked sharply by the hand of an impatient child after
your return home, it can cut with the savage force of a cheese wire. Severe
bruising, blunt tissue damage, and even permanent infertility can result.
Gentleman, you have been warned.
Do you have any iPod safety stories to share? Please pass on what you have
learned in the comments below.
---
Michael Parsons is Wired International Channel Manager for CondéNet
International. He was the launch Editor of CNET.co.uk, and helped to launch
The Industry Standard magazine
