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The secretary in Nottingham exists. She doesn’t travel with them, but doesn’t need to, not with all that technology, and it’s nice to think that even so modern a business as Tristem Enterprises needs a secretary. At a desk. In an office.

The van will demonstrate daily that this is a van that will be quite capable of looking after itself most of the time. It will carry its own energy pack with a Victron inverter and a quarter of a ton of batteries, charged from 600W solar panels on the roof, all of which will produce an uninterrupted supply of electricity as good as the one you have at home. On board will also be all the fuel, water and food for a week, after which things have to be topped up and the waste got rid of.

Ah. The waste. I knew there was a drawback. Still, it seems that even the most remote and beau- teous parking site has ways of dealing with this universal problem. In time, some great new digital thing-ummy will deal with this too; till then, bang go Ben’s Sunday mornings. After that, a remarkable new device takes over.

This is the touchscreen inter- active technology system, TSITS for short. It will present itself as two small screens set into the wall of the living room, each small section of which will have a role to play. Just touch any one of them and see what happens, that’s all. For instance...

You have just arrived on the new site. Touch the first screen and hydraulic jacks will emerge from each corner of the van. They will lift it, adjust it and lock it in a perfect horizontal, however uneven the ground is. A second touch and two saucers will rise from the roof, one for satellite internet access, one for television reception. Touch again and metal steps will unfold at the front door, and, on sunny days, a cheerful striped awning will follow. The next touch will produce a spectacular response. Most of the far side will slide outwards, making the living room square instead of oblong. Wait till the llamas see that.

Meanwhile, inside the van, the driving seats will have swung round to become a sofa, supper will be in the microwave and Farley will be demanding walkies. Once he’s back, the TSITS will resume strutting its stuff. The lightest touches on the second screen and Venetian blinds will descend at every window, the steps to the front door will fold flush against the van side, all the locks will lock, a 56in screen will slide smoothly down from the ceiling and an overhead projector will emerge, eager to start projecting — television, full-length movies or business presentations for potential clients. All to Dolby surround sound. Are you sitting comfortably? The next thing you know, it will be bedtime. You surely don’t need TSITS to help you on with your pyjamas, but it still has a task or two. Touch it again, and the lights go out and everyone goes to sleep.

I’d like a TSITS. Next Christmas, perhaps.

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